Funniest Joke

Funniest Joke

06:57:58 Apr 3rd 09 - Lord Stewie Griffin:

Post the funniest joke that you have ever heard here.

06:58:37 Apr 3rd 09 - Lord Stewie Griffin:

The Gloves Joke

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note -- romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love,
Hollingsworth

P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

08:21:25 Apr 3rd 09 - Demonslayer William Berkeley:

Lord Stewie Griffin

Report

4/3/2009 1:57:58 AM Post the funniest joke that you have ever heard here.
You are the funniest joke I ever saw here :P

06:14:49 Apr 6th 09 - Mr. Koss:

what do you call a tree that smells everything?

a consnifferous tree

in case you didnt get it it makes fun of the conniferous tree lol

yeah its a lame joke

06:35:34 Apr 6th 09 - Lord Stewie Griffin:

lol yeah that was kinda lame...xD

19:04:52 Apr 6th 09 - Mr. Rambutan:

Vaseline and a Harley.

A guy wanted to buy a motorcycle.

He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across A Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It is shiny and I n absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he Kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.

It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to Meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and Says, "I have to tell you something about my family before We go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the First person who says anything during dinner has to do the Dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living Room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up On the stairs, in the corridor,
Everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a Word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the Situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody Says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws Her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously Livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and Has his way with her right there on the Dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but Still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it Starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline From his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,

"All right, that's enough, I'll do the bloody dishes!"

21:00:28 Apr 6th 09 - Sir Haribs The Godly Gummibear God:

that one is just rofl

21:38:57 Apr 6th 09 - Mr. Delekros:

Bull*beep* and Brilliance

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back a nd see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says,

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts .. age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull*beep* and brilliance only come with age and experience.

02:01:00 Apr 7th 09 - Lord Stewie Griffin:

LMAO xD

17:51:33 Apr 7th 09 - Demonic Entity:

Divine Grandmaster Sepelchure Grail

Report

4/7/2009 9:54:12 AM

Kingdom Of Cyprus

Name: Kingdom Of Cyprus
Members: 1
Tag: KOC
Created: 4/6/2009 11:31:36 PM
Leader: Divine Grandmaster Sepelchure Grail

Information

This is a crusader Kingdom.For those who look at our current standing you will see our time so far has not been much of a crusade.

We have not stood As Firm As i would of hoped in the face of our enemies.

Our Lords And Lieges. Our So called Loyal Knights Flee in the face of battle.

But our soul still stands.

We Are recruiting new Lords for A second Crusade amongst the Worlds of Utopia.

18:29:54 Apr 7th 09 - Sir Santa:

Isn't it ironic how both Sepelchure and Stewie get called the funniest joke, while they are against eachother also :S

18:52:54 Apr 7th 09 - Demonslayer William Berkeley:

I caleld Stewie that as a joke ;)

05:06:51 Apr 12th 09 - Lord Stewie Griffin:

O.O So u calling me a joke was a joke? Please dont joke like that u joker.

08:09:23 Apr 12th 09 - Demonslayer William Berkeley:

SK is a joke :p

08:19:00 Apr 12th 09 - Lord Stewie Griffin:

haha i like that one! =P

09:27:24 Apr 12th 09 - Mr. Delekros:

Life is a joke. My teacher would agree with me on that one.

19:38:53 Apr 13th 09 - Mr. Braggi:

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest."

"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically. "What's so bad now? Are you going to be okay?" he asks.

"No," exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!"

03:37:59 Apr 14th 09 - Ms. Cowgirl:

A ground squirrel asks a woodchuck a question, "What do you call an elephant crossed with a hippo?"

The woodchuck pondered the question for a while and then in frustration answered, "'Elephino (hell if I know)"

roflroflmaololrofl

04:26:40 Apr 14th 09 - Lord Stewie Griffin:

Stupid Americans:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

04:32:17 Apr 14th 09 - Demonslayer William Berkeley:

Sneaky bastards.

07:23:19 Apr 14th 09 - Prince Validus Septim III:

There exists a common urban legend claiming that the Americans spent $11 million developing the Space Pen, and the Russians used a pencil.^[1] In fact, NASA programs have used pencils (for example a 1965 order of mechanical pencils^[1]) but because of the danger that a broken-off pencil tip poses in zero gravity and the flammable nature of the wood present in pencils^[1] a better solution was needed.

NASA never approached Paul Fisher to develop a pen, nor did Fisher receive any government funding for the pen's development. Fisher invented it independently, and then asked NASA to try it. After the introduction of the AG7 Space Pen, both the American and Soviet (later Russian) space agencies adopted it. Previously both the Russian and American astronauts used grease pencils and plastic slates.^[2]

07:27:27 Apr 14th 09 - Demonslayer William Berkeley:

Sneaky bastards.

07:58:04 Apr 14th 09 - Lord Stewie Griffin:

wow septim u should get out of ur room from time to time mate....

09:46:44 Apr 14th 09 - Mr. Nate River:

Ancient times...
Three death row prisoners were scheduled to be executed.

Fortunately, the chief warden was in good mood and he told the prisoners that he might free them in one condition. They were told to bring forward 6 pieces of their favorite fruit. If they make the chief happy, they will be freed.

Time has come. The first prisoner brought 6 pieces of grapes. The guards immediately hold the prisoner tight and take off his undergarments. The 6 grapes then inserted to his ass one by one.

The remaining two saw him shouting "I'm free" as he was taken out but could barely walk. The second prisoner was called and he present 6 pieces of apple.

Minutes have passed when the last prisoner saw the second one. He was filled with sweat all over his body and carried by two guards. The last prisoner asked him, "what happen?". The second prisoner was speechless as he saw the third one carrying 5 jackfruits

09:53:19 Apr 14th 09 - Lord Stewie Griffin:

hahahahaha lmao!! xD

09:54:39 Apr 14th 09 - Lord Wraith The Hermit:

Lol I heard this... Put it was a tribe of cannibals and prickly pears :P

04:24:33 Apr 15th 09 - Lord Stewie Griffin:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the
ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of
the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The
driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell
him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.

04:25:20 Apr 15th 09 - Lord Stewie Griffin:

A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all
strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up
this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry
and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were
bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face!
What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly
says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your
eyesight.

06:44:37 Apr 15th 09 - Mr. Justin:

Me trying to flame Cobra back :P

04:21:47 Apr 19th 09 - Lord Stewie Griffin:

Man’s best friend is the dog. Want proof? Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car, drive around for an hour, then open the trunk and see which one is happier to see you.

05:04:22 May 16th 09 - Mr. Angel of Pure:

@nate - i have heard that one aswell besides mine was cannibals and if they said anything then they would be killed and they had 10 grapes 10 oranges and 10 pinapples

mine goes like

3 men have been ship wrecked and were on a island covered with cannibals they take the 3 men to there cheif and the cheif says go out and get 10 peices of fruits so the 3 men go out the 1st one comes back with 10 oranges and the cheif says stuff them up ur ass without saying anything and so he gets up to the 5th apple and says thats enuf i cant take it so they kill the man then he go's up to heaven and then the 2nd guy comes back with 10 grapes and the cheif tells him the same thing the man gets up to the 9th grape and then starts cracking up laughing then the cannibals kill him and he goes up to heaven then the 1st guy asks the 2nd guy how come u started to laugh u were so close and then the 2nd guy replies with i saw the 3rd guy with 10 pinapples :P when i herad this i was roflmao

05:24:33 May 16th 09 - Lord Stewie Griffin:

haha yeah thats funny!!! ROFL! xD

02:01:39 May 17th 09 - Mr. Gawaine:

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do
You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
Teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?'

04:19:16 May 17th 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

i found that one in the form of a riddle the other day

04:19:42 May 17th 09 - Lord Stewie Griffin:

haha that was good ...lol!!! xD

04:23:33 May 17th 09 - Lord Stewie Griffin:

A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now what’s your final question?"

04:41:16 May 17th 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

lol

04:42:39 May 17th 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

04:44:47 May 17th 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

04:48:54 May 17th 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

05:01:17 May 17th 09 - Lord Stewie Griffin:

ROFL nice ones!

05:11:06 May 17th 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." The she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed 'What the hell did you do that for?' Tarzan replied, 'Always check for squirrels.'

05:38:29 May 17th 09 - Mr. Killstone:

some of these are really awesome!

ive ehard some before some in different ways tho. i heard the tarzan one (on VU actually) as jane asking how he had sex and he said he used holes i ntree trunks and she said "thats not right" and takes off her clothes and offers herself to him and he kixks her in the groin saying he always checks for bees. but its still funny =P

05:45:26 May 17th 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

One evening this drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12" tall man standing on the bar. Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him; "What the hell is that?" The guy next to him replies "He's a pianist!", to which the drunk replied "Horse *beep*, your pulling my leg" So the guy next to him picks up the 12" man , grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man started hammerin out all the favorite tunes of the bars' patrons. Stunned, the drunk asks "That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him"? The fella told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it til a genie appeared, and was granted one wish. All of a sudden the drunk hauls ass out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it: when all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish. In a slur, the drunk asks "I wish for a million bucks". All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead *beep*tin all over him. Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing "You son of a *beep*, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks *beep*ting all over my new suit." The fella started laughing and wildly exclaimed "You don't really think I wished for a 12" pianist do you?"

05:57:57 May 17th 09 - Lord Stewie Griffin:

hahahahahhaah ROFL that was really funny!! wow nice one!!

05:58:32 May 17th 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest. After 56, she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn.

06:07:32 May 17th 09 - Lord Stewie Griffin:

hahahhahaha wow where do u find these Mr. Opportunity?? lol keep posting ...xD

06:14:53 May 17th 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

Two *beep* men decide that they want to have a baby, but they don't want to adopt because they want the baby to be as close to their own as possible. So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs. Nine months later, the two fags are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery. All of the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs. "Wow," one of the *beep* men says, "Our baby is the most well behaved one in here." A nurse who happens to be walking by says, "Now he's quiet, but wait till we take the pacifier out of his ass."

07:32:22 May 17th 09 - Mr. Skinny Vinny II:

Opportunity, i heard the herpes joke, but it was with a priest still funny though.

19:47:19 May 17th 09 - Lord Stewie Griffin:

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the *beep* is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm cumming!"

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